Duality, Prose by Kalli Rivera

i do think i am beautiful. there are times where i see myself as beautiful as a flower i have seen on the side of the road; so striking: this form of atoms combining into a being placed in a room. so striking to see something with a beating heart amongst this cluster of things.

and there are times where i have to take care of myself as gentle as a flower; i do not focus on every petal, or even see every petal. i have to strain its roots, hold it by the stem, give it water and nutrients and gently caress it into soil and whisper at the darkest hours ‘grow.’ sometimes, she needs that reminder. the allowance of each petal bursting onwards instead of curling in. sometimes she forgets about these petals entirely; and it is hard to remind her of the pink buds that can blossom if only she opened her eyes. 

there is a duality of the child and the mother. the blossoming and the gentle whispers, pots of soil, nutrients spoon-fed until she feels herself again. there is both inside of me, never not there. to feed the child until she can come out again and take whole. to allow the mother to sit on the sidelines and watch, and go ‘i feel proud.’

this writing is like the child and the mother, the fingers playfully tap as the mother tells her to write the things she needs to remember.

 the intrinsic balance, ever dancing.

i write and i write and i write and i write. until i am full. until i believe.

it is a human urge to want only the sun to shine, for days of energy and blossoming, to block out any fear of dark, any thoughts that creep in. humans are so feeling: we feel the bad and we are so quick to place ‘this is bad.’

we are slower to place these things as a duality, a second half to the whole circle, one being that flows equally as the “good” or the sun shining. we are quicker to turn away once the moon rises; quicker to check the weather app and pray it is a shining day tomorrow. quicker to place ourselves on the one side of the circle and look forward to when we get to the other instead of accepting where we are in the moment.

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this mess/

this beauty.

duality is hard, but it is unstoppable.☘︎ it is fundamental. the light and dark, moon and sun, walk and sit, words and fight. there is heart in this equilibrium. it is never opposite. it makes up every fiber of this earth. it is not subjective, it is a force that flows through hand and soul, and it is beautiful and breathing. to look in the mirror and fully accept. to see a flower soaked in rain, and go ‘it is her feeding day.’ to be human is full; to be human is to feel, without constraints of good or bad, light or darkness. but as wholeness.